Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Oh, To Be A Newlywed... NO THANK YOU.

Let me start by saying that I love my husband. But I also want you to know that every bit of this story is true.
Every bit.

When Doc and I first got married, I tried to be the perfect wife. Honestly. Scares me to think about it now but I tried to spoil him. In fact, I did spoil him. In my opinion he is still spoiled in a lot of ways but I really, really spoiled him that first month of Holy Matrimony.
We got married a month before dental school started so he had no job (had to quit to be in school). I just graduated from college and was looking for a teaching job. Apparently, you needed to know people in Oklahoma City at the time if you wanted to teach! Who knew that such a low paying and under appreciated position would be in such high demand. Who knew. But I digress.

So, we had no money. No one had a job. I did what I always do with all of my free time - I baked. This was before Al Gore invented the Internet of course. I had all of these cookbooks from wedding showers and I had recipes to try! He started school and I would pack his lunch. What was I thinking? I lovingly prepared his lunch for him every day, until... (oh - we'll put that later).

That first month of marriage was when I discovered something was fundamentally wrong with the Doc. He liked just plain food and absolutely no casseroles. I'm a huge fan of the ol' casserole myself so this revelation was devastating and has continued to be a point of contention at dinner time. He also liked his sandwiches fixed a different way from me.

He made three gigantic mistakes within that first month of wedded bliss.
1. When asked what he wanted for dinner one night, he told me- "Can't we just have McDonald's?"
I was crushed. I had been hoping to WOW him with my culinary skill. I had baked for 2 solid weeks each and every night! Thought he would look forward to each and every meal creation. Never underestimate the power of the golden arches.
2. He came home with his lunch box one day and demanded that "next time you could put a little meat on the sandwich"
That was the last time I made his lunch, in case you are wondering.
I had put 3 deli thin slices of meat (perfect amount for me) on his sandwich because it was all we had left. We were poor folk! His idea of a sandwich includes no less than a pound of meat between two slices of bread.
3. When I got tired of cleaning the apartment by myself (and I had a lovely poverty level paying job by now - not teaching school), I asked him to take care of one small area. His bathroom. Our teeny tiny apartment had 2 small but full bathrooms so we each took one as our own. His would be the one tucked in by the bedroom that no one would see and it was beyond disgusting to clean. Words really can't describe it. But it might have looked something like this each and every week before I cleaned it.

So I asked the Doc to take over this one teeny tiny cleaning duty. At this point I was doing all of the cleaning, working to pay our bills (barely paying them), cooking & doing the dishes. Oh - and fixing his lunch for school. Just this one small help would be so great.

He looked at me in all seriousness and said (you won't believe this one)... "BUT YOU LIKE CLEANING TOILETS!"

** OH.MY.GOSH. **

This is when I knew that I had married a MCP. Yes. A Male Chauvinist Pig. Raised with two sisters and yet he is still allowed to think this way. He missed the training.

And in case you are wondering, the rest of the conversation went like this.


D: Toilets. You like cleaning them.

B: What makes you think I LIKE cleaning toilets?

D: Because you do it all the time.

B: You are an idiot. (I'm pretty sure that wasn't the word I used but this blog is rated PG)

And just like that Doc's housekeeping life was established. But he is a smart man. He has figured out a way to get around the detail work. I even overheard him telling a group about his scheme.

"Do a mediocre job. Do the job wrong. Eventually she will take it over again."

And he was right about that. I only give him the jobs that I won't have to redo when he is finished. At this point, he usually helps with dishes after dinner and bathes children. He doesn't do any of the dishes that must be washed by hand though. I'm happy to blog that one later. This one has already become longer than I planned.

But a while back, I decided that Vimrod knew the Doc and his schemes. How else would he have come up with this?

I used to think Doc was one of a kind.
Now I know that there are more of them out there.
This information scares me to the core.


Alyssa: said...

There are definitely more of them out of them is named WM! Sometimes I think WM and Doc were twins (that look nothing alike) separated at birth. :) Your stories are like reading about my own life.

Michelle said...

My husband doensn't clean anything. He can fix it but won't clean it! I would not want to start over. It's much better now. We were dirt poor when we first got married also. Funny, I had trouble finding a teaching job back then too. Pretty crazy. I felt like you were telling my story! lol

Anniebanannie said...

Oh Lord...sounds ALL too familiar. I admit that I helped create my MCP. I even put him to the test sometimes by leaving a piece of his clothing out, that he has just thrown down in the closet. I even go a step further by placing in the walk area so that he HAS to trip on it. Do you think he picks it up? NO! Why? Because he's told me that he just knows I'll eventually hang it up and it just really doesn't bother him. Wow. That's all I have to say.

Also, I had to (recently) ask him to throw his trash in the trashcan. Is this not a learned process at a very early age? I find candy wrappers on the floor, yes ON THE FLOOR. He can't blame this on the kids b/c it's the candy that's too "spicy" as Bear says. Can you even believe this?

I did way too much for him and I pay for it now.

Sweetie said...

Can't wait to see Yogi's comment on this one! He will probably wonder what the problem is-LOL. Wonder just how many times he has cleaned the bathroom in the last 19years?

One of my favorite TV shows was "Thirtysomething." I still remember the episode where Hope is asking Michael "does he not SEE the laundry basket on the stairs and think about taking it up, instead of just stepping over it." Who says we didn't have reality TV in the 80s?

Dawn said...

Yep, I had a horrible time getting a teaching job in OKC as well. I had to be a teacher asst. for a year! It was depressing.

Doc sounds an awfully lot like Brett.

I made a deal with Brett when we first got married.. if he would sit to pee he'd never have to clean the bathrooms. I guess it was worth it to him! LOL

This post reminded me of your story about Doc leavning his t-shirt outside for so long! I think that is the first thing I ever read on your blog. It cracked me up!

MommaAmma said...

First I'll say Nip leaves his trash around and will for ages - has since I met him. It drives me insane but I put up with it...barely.

Second I'll make you sick. I am a newlywed (kind of) and Nip was living single for long enough to do his own chores. He cleans the bathroom, takes out the trash, does all the lawn work, and most of the laundry (the occasional shrunken sweater is a casualty I'm willing to accept).

He grew up with manly men in his life but somehow has no idea how to fix anything. BL calls it "mommy's toolbox".

Ro said...

I'm going to repost this and just replace Doc with Matt okay? Except for the part about the toilets....Matt actually does that part :) Dead on about the casseroles and the sandwhiches though!!!

Yogi said...

All I have to say is that Sweetie is the best wife anybody can have, certainly a better wife than I deserve, and continues to spoil me shamelessly, and Baloney is my #1 favorite Blogger.

And I hope that everybody is having a great day!

jayhawkchic said...

Yogi must have done something to get into trouble! What a lot of ______ kissin'.

Yogi said...

I beg your pardon jayhawkchic! I'm not here to talk to you. I need to discuss something with Baloney. Besides, how come you aren't firing off on your husband, huh? Look who is %$^ kissing now. (%$^ and _____is "ass" for the genteel and delicate among us.

I'm here to inform Mrs. Baloney that I have given her an award. Please have her check my blog for details.

Baloney said...

Haha! And thanks Yogi - I will go check that award out!
Jayhawkchic is smarter than the rest of us and doesn't complain about her husband.
This particular incident is far enough in the past to laugh about - thank goodness!! Doc is very helpful these days. I must defend him just in case you think I don't love him!
HOWEVER, I had no idea that so many of us were married to the same guy. Now isn't that frightening. No wonder we all spend too much time on the computer.
Only kiddin'.

momof4kr said...


The spoiling and cooking bit is IDENTICAL to my first few weeks of marital bliss as well!

I was sure I was WOWING him with my Betty Crockerin'...but, lo and behold all my boy was wanting was a nasty bacon cheeseburger from Wendy's and a Snickers.


Annie H. said...

Yep, at least there are SOME things that are good about getting older.... older and wiser! :-)

LauraD said...

Just cleaned every toilet in the house and was thinking of you. My teeth thank the Doc for not using his philosophy of mediocrity at work!

Kim said...

I'm pretty sure I saw the toilet story on Everybody Loves Raymond.:)

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